Stop setting New Year’s resolutions without knowing these.
How much do you let what you wish to be true stand in the way of seeing what is really true?
“This year will be different. I’ll figure out how to break free from the status quo. Oh, I see it now. I’m getting a gym membership. I’m going to run every week. I’ll consult a therapist. I’ll talk to my family more. Maybe it’s time I started settling down with someone else. I’ll be more spontaneous. I’ll work on my side hustle”
Sounds familiar?
Why do we put off making such sudden, significant commitments until the end of the year? I’m not saying this doesn’t work at all; I’m just questioning its reliability.
So what's the big deal about setting goals?
Let's delve a little deeper into the psychological aspects.
Humans love the feeling of familiarity. We relate a sense of security to familiarity. This is why we end up falling for the same types of people, which stems from our childhood. For instance, if you grew up in an abusive household, you are very likely to prefer an abusive partner. The fact that our brains physically cannot handle unfamiliar pain is another reason why we keep ruminating about the loss of someone who has been part of our lives for a long time.
Enough with relationships now. How does this relate to setting goals?
This is where the intriguing part reels in. Even though we are aware of what the “big picture” looks like, we cannot just grab a piece of a puzzle and know exactly where it belongs. By noticing the similar color patterns, we can determine where this piece is most likely to fit. Therefore, we classify these puzzle pieces based on their color patterns.
The same holds true for our behavioral patterns. We may spot these tendencies in our relationships or other areas of our lives and gain insight into our attitude toward life as a whole.
It’s known that everyone has different experiences in life. This causes us to react differently even when confronted with the same situation. This is the reason why eyewitness testimony is no longer deemed valid in court. This is the reason why everyone will remember you differently, regardless of your proximity to them.
So what are you even trying to say, Mina?
I opened so many boxes of behavioral patterns because I wanted you to understand that, despite our shared biology, we are all unique in ways that are beyond our ability to comprehend.
Why do you think sticking to the standard goal-setting process will be successful for you? Go ahead and do it if it has worked for you this year; do what you think is best.
I am, however, speaking to people who have walked in my shoes. Who are the go getters yet don’t seem to get everything they seek.
If you are still reading this article, then congratulations! You’ve taken the initiative to set the proper goals with the proper attitude.
It’s a matter of principle. You’ve heard this before. Boring! Move on to the next article.
Wait.
This principle isn’t about keeping up with your goals. That’s a different topic for a different article. I’m talking about your core values.
Most of the time, humans are oblivious to their problems. Unfortunately, their capacity for self-realization isn’t as strong as their intrinsic ability to analyze other people’s situations in depth.
So, what happens when emotional conflicts deeply violate your “core values”?
Short answer: sh*t really hits the fan.
Figurative answer: Your logical side is no longer in the driver’s seat. Perhaps your emotions are pushing him/her out the window. Perhaps it’s in the passenger’s seat, freaking out as your emotional side is going 160 mph on a highway.
Psychological answer: You escape your basic reasoning skills by jumping to conclusions, all of which stem from fear. This is one of the cognitive distortions that all humans experience. For example, you break up with your boyfriend first because you think they will dump you anyway (jumping into assumptions). Unable to stand the fear of rejection and abandonment, you think it’s a fair trade. You stick with scapegoating, because this is the only way you can justify your decision. I call this notion the “protagonist syndrome."
The first step: IDENTIFY your weaknesses.
Pain+Reflection = Progress
Most people respond poorly to pain; they don’t recognize their issues, so they keep running into them. People who respond to suffering that gets in the way of achieving their goals, who comprehend what is causing it, and who know how to handle it, build strength. At least for me, this was the most unpleasant experience I’ve ever endured. Behaving out of fear is acceptable as long as you can tell the difference between your fears and your “fundamental values.”
Second step: IDENTIFY your core values.
The next step is to identify your real values after you have identified your fears and trigger spots. Where you end up in life is determined by your values. You follow your own ideology. Regardless of what anyone says, these are the things you will not change your mind about.
Values are the deep-seated beliefs that motivate behaviors and determine people’s compatibilities with each other. People will fight for their values, and they are likely to fight with people who don’t share them. Abilities are ways of thinking and behaving.
Third step: IDENTIFY your principles.
It doesn’t matter what you “desire”: life will give you what you deserve. So it is up to you to take complete responsibility for making the connection between what you want and what you need to do to achieve it, and then to really do those things, which are frequently challenging but have positive outcomes, so that you will gradually deserve to have what you want.
If your principles serve as a compass, then your values serve as a map. They coordinate to get you going and navigate you through life.
Most people are not naturally good at thinking about the long-term effects of a decision. It has been proven that humans consistently tend to opt for immediate rewards instead of rewards down the road, even if the later rewards are greater. For example, when offered $50 now instead of $100 in a month, most people will choose the fifty bucks.
Why is this the case?
Psychology calls this phenomenon “first-order desire”
Your current desire, such as the need to eat unhealthily, consume alcohol, or put off tasks, is an example of a first-order desire. We can also refer to this as "temptations."
Higher-order desires, however, are your principles in life. This is where the long-term effect creeps in. Examples include healthy eating habits, cutting off alcohol, saving money, and more. Your core values determine your higher-order desires. Failure to identify your principles will eventually cause you to choose first-order desires while neglecting your higher-order desires.
Why did I mention all of this?
Doing the wrong thing right doesn't make that thing any better. In this article, I mentioned all the ways us humans do all the wrong things we assume that is right, because that’s what everyone else does.
No matter how much people want you to believe otherwise, your strength comes from knowing that no one is you.
Summary:
- Reflect on your weaknesses and strengths by analyzing behavioral patterns and cognitive mistakes.
- Understand your core values by understanding your emotional reactions.
- Determine your principles and learn to differentiate between higher-order and first-order desires.
This year, will be different: like every year I promised myself kind of “different”.
Thank you for reading!
Let me know what you think of this article. PM me for any questions or comments.
